Step Two Hundred and Ninety-Four
“I am now a student of Knowledge. I will learn of the meaning and the purpose of Knowledge through my participation. I will follow my participation without attempting to alter its methods or its lessons in any way because I wish to learn. I am a student of Knowledge in a world where Knowledge seems to be absent. For this reason I have been sent here to prepare to give that which Knowledge will wish to give to the world. I am a student of Knowledge. I am secure in my responsibility. In this, I will receive all that I truly desire, for I truly desire to love the world.”
Following this invocation begin your two-week Review. Beginning with the first day in this two-week period, read the lesson for that day and remember your practice. Continue on in this way to cover all the days in this two-week period, and then attempt to have an overview of your life during this practice time. Begin to see what has occurred in your life in this two-week period.
As you gain an overview, you will begin to see the movement of your life. Perhaps this will be subtle at first, but you will soon begin to realize that your life is progressing rapidly and that your values and your experience of yourself are changing. You are changing fundamentally. You are finally becoming yourself. You will realize that war, which still rages in you from time to time, will diminish and become less frequent. Only with a conscious and objective overview can this be recognized, and as it is recognized, it will give you the confidence and the conviction to proceed on, for you will know that you are following your true course and your true destiny. You will know that you are a true student of Knowledge and that you have made the right decision concerning your studenthood.
Practice 294: One long practice period.
This time I definitely feel I have become stronger in Knowledge.
These past two weeks of Steps and this review have reinforced my conviction that Knowledge is the true anchor in my life and being a student of Knowledge will resolve any conflict I may feel. These past two weeks, in which Steps addresses not being at war with myself or the world, not being in conflict with myself or others, and seeing how the people I may feel have erred against me are actually helping me to reclaim Knowledge, have come at the perfect time, at a time when there has been much conflict and turmoil in the world and I have felt drawn to assess my own position and own views, despite all the confusion and conflicting views broiling all over the place. I gained a deeper insight during this time into how Knowledge truly is the solid, unperturbed rock of Truth.
I appreciate how “I am a student of Knowledge in a world where Knowledge seems to be absent.” This makes me feel I am one of the fortunate ones, someone who has recognized the power of Knowledge and is following a curriculum to strengthen it in myself and hence in the world.
Step 281. Above all else I seek Knowledge. I need Knowledge to realize my true Self. Without Knowledge I can only generate more imagination. This is a day of thanksgiving, for my prayers have been answered and my need responded to. In essence this was true for me this day. This was the day (April 15) I talked to my employer again about the money. He didn’t have an answer until the next day, but my prayer had already been answered and my need responded to.
Step 282. I will learn to accept the responsibility of carrying Knowledge in the world. This is a demanding Step - “Discernment and all the other qualities of value within yourself will need to be cultivated as well, for you must learn to express that which you carry." Accepting responsibility means no dilly-dallying around or being wishy-washy, it means being a person of true character who sticks to their word. If I am to develop and advance as a student of Knowledge, a vehicle of Knowledge in the world, I must be a person of fine metal, dependable, true, trustworthy, honest and discerning. I wish to become a very, very finely-tuned vehicle for Knowledge in the world. I have a responsibility to cultivate my faculties. This was the day (April 16) when I found out Irina Shostakovich had agreed to give me the money, although a little less than I wanted - $10,000 instead of 10,000 euros.
Step 283. The world is ambivalent, but I am not. As I abide with Knowledge, I will look upon the world and recognize its utter confusion. I do. There can be no contention if people are guided by Knowledge, for Knowledge always seeks to join individuals in a meaningful way and clarifies their interactions with one another. The day I did this Step (April 17), I travelled to Moscow to get the money from my employer. All went well, no ambivalence. I received what I needed, no more, no less. I enjoyed time with my girls - all the boys were gone.
Step 284. Stillness is my gift to the world. Stillness is a gift because it is an expression of certainty and peace. I feel I am beginning to express these qualities in the world, to my family, to the people I encounter and engage with. My stillness enables all other minds to be still so that they may know. I am communicating that peace and freedom are possible. I experienced this in Moscow communicating with Ursula, my daughter, especially, but with by sons' girlfriends as well. A bond was formed. I am demonstrating the evolving qualities of mind that are required of me as a student of Knowledge. The day I did this Step (April 19) was a blue moon (third one of four in a season) - it saw the resolution of my financial dilemma for the time being. We had exactly enough to give the leader of our building team for the things that need to be done next.
Step 285. In Stillness all things can be known. In stillness all things can be known, for the mind is able to respond to Knowledge. Then Knowledge will find expression in my specific thoughts and activities. If I do not allow myself to be distracted and niggled by little things - slow computer, being interrupted by my husband, petty concerns and worries - my mind blossoms in stillness and reaps its benefits. I am filled with a quiet joy and confident in the path I am taking and the progression of my life.
Step 286. I carry Stillness into the world with me today. It is true that the day I did this Step (April 21), I was in a much better frame of mind and that which haunted me before and cast great dark clouds over my mind dissipated and left me clear again as I walk the path of Knowledge. I was no longer worrying about not having any work and still needing money to finish what we need to do this year, I was enjoying the reprieve (and I still am) and the confidence that all will work out (and I still am). I do not think that Stillness will render me incapable of genuine activity in the world. I am active in the world and participating in its mechanism, but still inside as I do so.
Step 287. With Knowledge I cannot be at war. I can only be honest and give my honest opinion if asked. The day I did this Step (April 22) I responded to friend’s request to give my opinion on an article she had written. I gave her my honest opinion. She was kind in response, and so was I. I was glad I had been honest, for it meant I was not at war within myself or with her. I felt we both handled the situation well. Then someone else corrected it and made it sound just right (smile). What it says in this Step about all of my self-doubt, uncertainty, fear and anxiety wearing away has come to pass. I am at peace at the moment and know all will resolve itself as it will.
Step 288. Enemies are only friends who have not learned to join. I get this Step and have since the beginning. Everyone is at their own stage of development. I am not opposed to anyone, so no one is opposed to me. I am a friend of the world, so the world is my friend. I have no experience of contention, rankling, bad feelings with people. I may feel it inside but I do not show it on the outside. I am a peacemaker and a peacekeeper.
Step 289. I am a student of Knowledge. All I need to do is return to Knowledge and be at peace with Knowledge whenever I am uncertain, for Knowledge will guide me. I am experiencing this. These past few days have been even and tempered. Warmer weather, working out in the garden, preparing things for planting. Peace, quiet, harmony, beautiful, treasured days in even, balanced flow.
Step 290. I can only be a student, therefore I will be a student of Knowledge. I have the power of decision to choose what to learn and I choose to be a student of Knowledge and learn the Way of Knowledge.
Step 291. I am grateful to my brothers and my sisters who err against me. I get this Step too and have explored it enough in the previous rounds. My love and compassion for the world are engendered. I understand how those who have erred against me have shown me a short-cut to Knowledge. I am grateful that I have the insight and capacity to take a different path.
Step 292. How can I be angry with the world when it only serves me? I am not angry with the world, I am open to opportunities to learn and overcome my tendency to isolate. My husband is helping me in this. I wanted to run away from an acquantances’s suggestion to meet up during the May holidays when they will be going to their country house in a village in our neck of the woods. I did not read the message properly initially. She did not necessarily want to stop by on the way, but perhaps come one day while they are there. That sounds like a better plan. I wrote in my journal again on Vesvalo today. Glad to make contact. She and I will work something out. I responded and am pleased I did. I feel calm and at peace about it. Nothing to worry about. The world is giving me opportunities to serve. The real nature of my presence here is to serve, I have been sent from beyond the world to do this.
Step 293. I do not wish to suffer today. I do not suffer and I am free of the world’s persuasions. I strengthen my resolve to be a student of Knowledge, this will give me the greatness that I am intended to give to the world.
I see the pattern of the last two weeks of Steps. The gift of Stillness, cultivating it within myself and extending it out into the world. Not being at war or in conflict within myself or with anyone else. Being grateful to those who show me what it is like to live without Knowledge. Realizing I am a student of Knowledge and cultivating the traits that entails to the best of my ability - responsibility, discernment, compassion, contribution, service. I feel I have become more grounded during this time. I have relinquished fear and anxiety and strengthened my confidence and trust that all will go as planned. I am still so enjoying the beauty and magnificence of my life in the country, the life I have always wanted to live.
Finished the review at 5.00 pm just in time for tea.
P.S. Revisiting this Step on October 20, 2020, I see how knowing myself has always been vitally important to me. I wrote about it in my diaries in 1974 and 1975. This was always something I focused on - wondering who I really was, wishing to know my own strengths and abilities, trying to work on myself and overcome my shyness and inhibition. I always wondered how I would turn out and wanted to rise to my true abilities, whatever those might be. I think my 17-year-old self would have been happy if she had known where she would be 45 years down the road.
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